For the 4th day in a row I was forced to band camp, the vain of my exisitance. Yet again I was in the sun and heat for 8 hours and it sucked. The mornings aren't so bad because we can just march with the band, while boring and tedious, it is still better than the afternoons. See in the morning, (not this morning though, this morning we had to do things on our own for the first hour, which was not pleasent) the band will march and the color guard can just tag along. I think that it's good that we work on marching and I don't really mind it. The worst part is when we break into these crappy little groups and we have to lead and everyone else will march. Sometimes I wish that someone else could be the leader and I could just do my thing and march; but no, I have to stare into those 48 dead, critical, sacastic fish eyes. I hate it so much, I just want color guard to be over!!!! And then the afternoon is even worse. Then it becomes like a marathon of me deterring complaints and trying to make this danm color guard slightly better, usually with very little luck.
Then yesterday, KT came later in the day, for the last hour or so, after everyone had been very uncooperative and when she saw how little they had improved and how annoying they were being, she yelled at me. Well, not yelled but that "I'm very disoppionted and I shouldn't have to regret making you captain" talk, which is way worse. I held it in until I got home and was alone in my room, but I totally cried after she said all those things to me. It was bad; that was the first time that I had cried in a long time, since Grandma died, I think. And I really thought about cutting myself, more than I had in a long time. Usually its just a passing thought, but I really had to fight this urge.
I'm exhosted, I need to take a bath, maybe that will help this awful sunburn, then maybe I can write somemore.
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