More fun at band camp

For the 4th day in a row I was forced to band camp, the vain of my exisitance. Yet again I was in the sun and heat for 8 hours and it sucked. The mornings aren't so bad because we can just march with the band, while boring and tedious, it is still better than the afternoons. See in the morning, (not this morning though, this morning we had to do things on our own for the first hour, which was not pleasent) the band will march and the color guard can just tag along. I think that it's good that we work on marching and I don't really mind it. The worst part is when we break into these crappy little groups and we have to lead and everyone else will march. Sometimes I wish that someone else could be the leader and I could just do my thing and march; but no, I have to stare into those 48 dead, critical, sacastic fish eyes. I hate it so much, I just want color guard to be over!!!! And then the afternoon is even worse. Then it becomes like a marathon of me deterring complaints and trying to make this danm color guard slightly better, usually with very little luck.

Then yesterday, KT came later in the day, for the last hour or so, after everyone had been very uncooperative and when she saw how little they had improved and how annoying they were being, she yelled at me. Well, not yelled but that "I'm very disoppionted and I shouldn't have to regret making you captain" talk, which is way worse. I held it in until I got home and was alone in my room, but I totally cried after she said all those things to me. It was bad; that was the first time that I had cried in a long time, since Grandma died, I think. And I really thought about cutting myself, more than I had in a long time. Usually its just a passing thought, but I really had to fight this urge.

I'm exhosted, I need to take a bath, maybe that will help this awful sunburn, then maybe I can write somemore.

Derrick

After a hot bath and pocket, I feel that I am now privy to disguss such tramatizing and heart wrenching issues as Derrick. Uhh, just thinking about him makes me a little upset. You see, our relationship could only really be discribed as temultuous. But I think it would be best if we were to just start at the begining, as it is a very good place to begin. Derrick and I have gone to the same high school since we were freshman; we were even in Marching Band together and had a few classes together from time to time. Despite this, our pathes never really crossed (that is we never really spoke) until the being of last year. We had math and apush together and band (but we never saw eachother then.) Ahh, yes, those were some very awkward 'does he like me?' 'I like you, do you like me?' moments, we talked more during class and would talk in the hallway.

We spent time together on the band trips and I thought that this was shiaping up to be a very nice little relationship that we had, despite out lack of ever seeing eachother outside of school and band, I assumed that would come with the developement of our relationship. But, as the year went on, we spent less and less time together and talked less. It was sad, but it felt only right when we began to grow apart. A few months passed and magically in April he left a comment on my Facebook and we spent time together in school and all was well. I thought "Hmm, maybe there is hope for us yet." We went on a few group dates, the milestone that I thought had pushed us beyond that "kinda sorta like eachother" to the "friend with benifits" stage in our relationship.

Then, just as school was about to end, I sent him a Facebook comment that, in hindsite seems a little odd, but I think that his response was worse. I sent him this inbox message professing my love for him, creepy, yes. Do I regret it? Not really, if he wasn't ready to hear it, we aren't good for eachother. So anyway, I rambled on about how I liked him and what I thought we should do about our relationship; that is go from good friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, he acted really wierd about this, he would comment to me about other stuff, and we still talked at school and on the phone, but he wasn't responding to me on this message. This went on for about a week and I was thinking about asking him, but thought that would be too wierd. So then, about a week later he writes back that he thinks we should just be friends.

Ouch. I, understandably I think, get pretty ticked off about this. Systematically I begin to delete him from my life by taking him from my top friends, deleting him from my cell phone; then I wrote this really awful thing in his honesty box, something to the effect of: i hate you and never wanted to see you again. Harsh, I know, but what can I say? He deserved it.

Then about 4 weeks ago, he tried to message me again on Facebook. He sent me this message saying that he was sorry and that he wanted to hang out and said he had made a mistake about "us." I was thrilled and suprised. We did things together and he helped me plan for this trip I had to go on and we talked on the phone, it was a grand old time. I let him back into my life and it was great, I loved every second that we spent together and he always made me laugh and I was really looking forward to the time we would spend together in band I was making plans like prom with him.

I know what your thinking "Their back together and everything ends up good right?" Well, here comes this final twist to the plot. I went on this trip to Indianna, for this leadership conference and he was great and he helped me be not so worried about flying alone and everything and he was great. We talked on the phone when I was there and I was really thinking about how great he was. But, the night that I got home, I checked my Facebook and his (always did so I could comment back and say 'hi' or something) and he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship." And here I was thinking "Hmm, that was a little fast, but I think that he is finally ready to commet to us, yes finally." I was happy and a little confused as to why it didn't say "in a relationship with Rachel Lehmann," rather he had left it blank. So, teising him almost, I sent this message to him saying "I see you status has changed...whose the lucky girl," fully expecting the answer to be "you." Rather he comments back "Julie."

Then he's like "yeah, she cool, we should all hang out together sometime." And I said back "Wow, I thought that we were getting kinda close and I'm just a little shocked that you suddenly have a girlfriend." And he's like "Yeah, we've gotten pretty close this summer" And I say "Okay, thought that we had gotten close too." And then he says "I'm, sorry. I just don't like you the way you like me. We can still be freinds, right?"

Umm, no. I just left the converstation there and we haven't spoken in 2 weeks, but he has tried to call and sent me messages and things, but I don't care. He can suck it.

God, that cut is still fresh. I can't believe how emtional that made me and still does. Why must he break my heart like this. Well, I guess it is settled, I will just become a sinster and be career obsessed, my job can be my husband...I no longer need the love of a sinifigant other, not after this heart break.

A long day of camp

Today there were some very good times to be had during the first official day of band camp. A very hot day, hitting about 90 degrees and about 96% humidity ending with a huge rain storm, which, sadly did not deter practice. I feel icky and sweating and dirty and gross and i just want to take a shower. It was a really slow moving day and I am very tired and thinking now would be a good time for a movie. Uhhh, today felt very slow, we began by marching for a really long time; the only interesting part was when this kid started to puke on the field, which was gross and enteraining...that is from a distance, I have big issues with vomit up close. Once Jessica was like "Take Amanda into the bathroom, she feels like she is going to through up," and I wanted to be like "no way, I can't handle vomit," but I'm pretty much the color guard whore that will do anything that the coaches say, so I took her in, but I was standing at the bathroom door, trying to comfort her without getting too close. Anyway, this kid was like coughing and gagging on the field and Mr. Bird was a little freaked out, it was funny. Then we leaning the dance part and worked on the 'Fite Song', this is going to be a long week. Oh, by the way, I was reminded of Derrick today and I thought about him for most of the morning, pathetic, I know. I need to take a shower, but I think that I will come back and explore that a little more after that.

Another Season Begins

Just as every year one can count on the seasons changing, I can count on the consistancy of my annual session of band camp. For the last 3 years, I have suffered through this torture for one full week of hell (granted however, most of them I have psycologically blocked from my memory, they have been just as tromotising.) I mention this only because today it has begun again. Just in time for my internship (tear) to end. Today was that magical day when all the little freshmen and the section leaders come to share in the miseries that they will surely see more of in the days to come.

Bright and early, I was at Kennedy, grumpy and sleep deprived. I grumbled through all of the senior meeting and was certianly not happy about band starting so very soon. And I was still in a bad mood when the freshmen showed up and we had to go march, not what I wanted to be during that morning, but begrudgingly, I agreed. Then something amazing happened! Something so magical and fantazmagorical that I could barely contain my daft excitement! All of these freshmen (whom I must say I had much underestimated) marched wonderfully! They picked up so well; I was really amazed and delighted. Despite some disoplinary issues that will really have to be dealt with before the season begins, they actually did very well.

Later then in the day, we moved from marching to something (which despite a summer of practice, still seems to be challenging for them) that is rifle and flag work. Not so pretty. For some reason, these children won't practice on their own, so we are left with a pretty good marching color guard, who can't spin, not so good. Why must this season be so very stressful? And, more importantly why must this be my senior year, when the most pressure is put on me to look good and I want to be the best? Questions; all left unanswered.

My Life is as Follows:

Currently my life is as follows: busy and stressful and crazy and as much as I get to thinking that I would just like some rest, I know that I could have it no other way. When I stop to think about it, my life, for the past few months at least, has been very busy. To the point that I'm sometimes not sure if I can handle it.

Now, it seems fitting, as this is my first blog, that I explain a little about myself and what makes my life so hecktic. So here it goes, brace yourself... for the past few months I have been working in an internship. Not that bad, actually, there were times that I really liked it. You see, I worked at a local theatre (cleaverly named Threatre Cedar Rapids,) I didn't act or anything, I haven't been in a play since middle school, rather I worked in the advertising part of the threatre. Which, sometimes I'll admit really sucked. I absolutely hated working in the box office, all I did was change addresses on this stupid mailing list. As I'm sure you can imagine, this got old really quickly. But then, about a third of the way though this internship I was moved up to the actual office, which was a lot more fun. There I would do clerical things and research, which I started to like. Moreover, what the other people in the office did interested me more. I wish that I had gotten an opportunity to learm about their jobs more and what they did.

You see, for a while now, I have envisioned my future career as one involving business. I had thought that I would be at my happiest when I was preseident of a company, working about 80 hours a week and my career was at its highest point, despite my lack of personal relationship. However, during one of those never ending work sessions in the dark and gloomy box office, I had begun to think "What was I thinking? Surely this is not the career for me!" but once I had been moved up, everything changed. I got to see what these office works did and I loved it. Npw I think that in 20 years, I think that I will, indeed be working at my job as a titan of industry and I think that my time at TCR has helped me come to that conclusion.